Closure in this chapter.

I have loved & disliked the life I have lived. When change came there was resistance. Not always expressed but always acknowledged. Now, a year later missing the familiar begins anew. Starting to feel the pain of loss. Feeling the anticipation of what is to come. Enjoying life and fearing the next chapter. Will I love this next chapter? It's my choice, isn't it.  I'm reminded, "the only thing that is constant is change." From change comes much growth, good Lord I should be a giant of a person. Feelings of inadequacy and dependance. I shout for joy at the finality of this chapter. Bitter sweet shouts of joy for the ones who have forever changed my life. We need change, so that we may develop into the one we are meant to be. No longer, co-dependent on the piano my access denied for many reasons.

The Hill is a place forever embedded in my minds eye and in my soul. A longing to return to that place of solace and peace. Hawks, birds of all kinds, lizards, frogs, snakes, wildlife abound on the Hill. Love, intimacy, freedom and renewed love for husband found on the Hill. Joyous laughter in my intimacy with my lover. We will always remember the growth and difficulty with the Hill. Surrounded by earth, flowers, plants unfamiliar & calls from the Coyote Chorus's. Frogs serenade our love for each other. Renewed and rediscovered freedom in our intimacy. Friends call jogs my mind, time spent on the porch. The scenery below is vibrant with light that reflects off the ocean view. Blue color is expansive and profound, it's a view to be never repeated on this earth. Sunsets, that are shaded in blues, purples, pinks and white. Lovely sights take my breath away and give appreciation to the Maker. Prayers come freely, spirituality grown and renewed. My love for life once again refreshed anew. Full moon lights my pathway making my walk in the dark easy and delightful. Feel the presence of the Father who gives light to all. WE are blessed in this adventure & feel humbled at the sight of it. Truly, this in an intentional gift from the Father. We acknowledge his presence in all creation and are grateful for it. My life is changed because of the freedom we shared. Life is good !

Feeling yucky !

I feel nauseated and quite yucky today. I guess it's just one of those days. Actually, I've had a few nausea days. Anti nausea pills don't seem to help. I wish I could take "the magic pill" and feel better. Is there a magic pill out there for M.S.? How I wish there was one, I'd sign up, wait & look forward with hope. I have hope but sometimes I loose sight of hope. Hope is always there to be had but, it seems my mind is too cluttered with the unknown. Today, I should rest and realize that God doesn't mind if I'm a couch potato for a time.  Do you think that God has to take a couch day? I don't understand everything there is to know about life. I've learned compassion through m.s. and I'm not inclined to judge. (I hope) Those smiling faces are the popular mask that we must wear. My mask is beginning to sag a bit. That comes with time and gravity. Dang gravity! The mask is the least of my worries. Do you ever wonder what life will be like on the other side? I hope it's filled with much laughter and no more tears from sadness. I want to feel happy inside but I find it difficult when I'm in pain. Did I really sign up for this? Did I know what was coming in my life? Would I have change my past if I could? The answer is,, I wouldn't change anything that I have done. Even, with all the mistakes I've made in life I'd more than likely do the same things over and over. Are we creatures of habit or we just fall mindlessly into the next phase of life? Sometimes, I feel like I've kicked and resisted most of my life. Is this the lesson, to give in and completely trust? I know that I have major trust issues and I have to work on that. I need to draw closer to my Heavenly Father and know that he will never break promises to me.

BLESSED ARE THE FLEXIBLE FOR THEY SHALL NOT BE BENT OUT OF SHAPE.

random thoughts on m.s.

Some times, I'm grateful for you. On other days I deny you. Though you pound my mind, body and spirit you don't own me. You have gained access but you will never defeat ME. Oh, insignificant m.s., I have a little secret of which you know nothing of. When we join forces we never cry defeat. My body gives into your little game. However, there is nothing that stands in my way when I hold the cards. My cards are my mind, heart & spirit. When will you get the message that you're not wanted here? You can chase me, but your chase will not be completed within me. For, I have a little secret that you know nothing of. Some days I'm grateful for you. Some days I boo-ooo you. Nasty little pest you don't know us.

Always moving

Constant, living, breathing, change always there. My life will be exciting says my blessing. I thought of travel, adventure & an easy life style. Boy, was I ever wrong ! My life is what is needed so that I may return to the Father. I love my life, some would say "this is not a beautiful life." I say, it is the most beautiful life and I would not change my life for another. This is the life I am intended to live. I live in Santa Barbara/Goleta Ca. What a wonderful place to live. One day I will be able to afford the place I live in. At present we are living with friends in Goleta. A one room for us is such a blessing. I'd forgotten how lovely it is to live in a home. Suddenly I love cleaning the house and have a new appreciation for the gift of home. How could I ever take it for granted? Shame on me for doing so. Even the physical movement is appreciated. I'm sure that as I move through the home my muscles will be strengthened. Homes are like clothing it means nothing but, it sure covers a lot of imperfections.